Whoops

I kind of wish I was able to keep up with the blog. But unfortunately, since I was in China and was at an ethnic minority university, Internet was even harder to use, even with a VPN.

It’s weird to be back in the United States. Only because it’s so weirdly normal. When I think about my semester abroad, it’s like recalling a dream – I can’t believe that I did so much, met so many different people, and yet am now continuing on with my same routines that I had before going.

I feel like sometimes we want so badly to have our experiences change our lives. And yet sometimes, it’s just so bizarre because it doesn’t feel like has. And we don’t know how to have anything happen.

I really loved my experiences. Not just because I had fun. But also because of the different people I got to meet. Even though I’m Chinese-American, and I would meet lots of Chinese and American people, it was still fascinating to see that there are DIFFERENT kinds of Chinese people – Han, Uyghur, Hui, etc. It was also interesting to meet people from the U.S. who are not from the East coast – Oregon, Montana, Minnesota, Colorado, states of people that I had almost never really had much interaction with.

I miss it.

In Search for an Identity

In America, I always thought of myself as “Chinese American.” While there were the complex feelings of being an American with an Asian face, I generally thought I had my identity pretty much figured out. I lived in America, but one thing that made me distinct with a certain group of people was this concept of “Chinese” heritage.

And now, being in China, I find there to be even more complexities. What is “Chinese” really? Not just even in terms of geographical location, politics, but also with ETHNICITY and so on. It’s not just a matter of being “Chinese” here that makes people unified. There are so many divisions, so many different layers, so many different categories.

In America, I’m Chinese-American. But in China, I am not quite sure what I am exactly.

Feeling Depressed

Ever since coming to China, I’ve noticed that I’ve been getting depressed every night almost. Generally this happens when I go on Facebook and see what’s been happening with my friends and stuff back home. Recently, the depression has hit the point that I even start crying. But I couldn’t understand why and it frustrated me so much.

I now pinpoint it back to a fundamental issue, feeling almost like a emo teenager to say it – I really hate myself.

I’ve realized that I honestly do not like myself. It does explain a lot of my behavioral patterns. I tend not to respond to people’s messages on AIM or GChat and such, not just because I get distracted, but I honestly feel that I have nothing interesting that people would want to hear. I always am interested in makeup and skincare stuff because I hate how I look. I get sad hearing about school stuff because I honestly feel that I worked the past years so hard but I didn’t do anything worthwhile. And I feel so inadequate because I have a family of such talented geniuses and yet I have nothing worth bragging about. And I have such a fear of not mattering at all.

And I try to disguise it in many ways, trying to talk big, trying to act as though I have things to do, trying so desperately to make a connection with as many people as I can and yet scared to make a deeper connection. I feel ashamed to talk about this to any of my friends, so I just hold it in until I burst and cry, and people see, but then I don’t explain myself. And then I hold it in until another outburst comes.

Being in China is pretty awesome, but it makes me realize a lot of issues I’ve been hiding by filling my time with activities and other nonsense back at home. And I know these issues are common and not unique in any way, but they still feel pretty shitty.

Confusion for Thought – Identity

It’s weird because even though it’s only been one month since I’ve been in China, it already feels like it’s going to be the end soon. Because soon it will be October, then November, and then December.

I feel like one thing about being in China, and being away from my home country, my university and so on, is that it forces me to re-evaluate a lot about my identity – who am I when I am forced to start over in another country? Especially since technically I’ve graduated from university, I thought I had myself more figured out. And yet it never seems to be that case.

It’s fascinating, how the environment that one is in can have so much impact on one’s sense of identity. When I’m in America, I feel Asian. I feel Chinese. I feel that my face does not match the stereotypical image of an American. And yet when I come to China, I feel American. I speak English sometimes even if I can say the words in Chinese. I feel the desire to be acknowledged as American.

People set such confusing standards and definitions for themselves. And yet, to not have standards and definitions confuse and scare. Some people dislike the social sciences because of the ambiguity and vagueness of the theories involved in it. Science people like science because of the data that is produced for it. But what is data? Something that is produced as a result of experimentation, of action. And yet who is to say that that will be absolute? Stay absolute? And yet we take comfort because we want definitions to make us feel like the world isn’t a crazy people.

When I’m in the U.S., I say I’m Chinese American.
When I’m in China, I only say I’m American. Or maybe “overseas Chinese.”

I am Chinese. I am American. I’m Chinese American. I feel that I like having multiple ethnicities. I feel ties to both identities. And yet not feeling that I have one definition to cling to confuses me.

Wishing for Some Luck

IMG_0269, a photo by widescreenvision on Flickr.

The Great Wall

IMG_1907, a photo by widescreenvision on Flickr.

Hello from China!

I’ve decided to focus my blog on my adventures in China. I’m an American student studying abroad in Beijing, China for the fall semester. I am an American Born Chinese (ABC), so to me, coming back to China is not just about learning Chinese culture and language, but also about learning about the different parts of myself and my own cultural heritage.

I feel very privileged to have this opportunity to come abroad. I am not only studying Chinese culture and language, but am also studying ethnic diversity in China as well as visual anthropology. So I hope that I can use my blog as a means of going through my different thoughts that I learn in class and through every day life. And of course post up the many different photos I will be taking along this journey.

That’s all for now, will be updating soon!

Jinan Grandparents’ House

Been feeling a little sick these days, quite headache-y from the weather. But I think finally I’m starting to get adjusted to the weather and the time a little bit more. Although I’m still waking up pretty early (around 6ish) which definitely shows that I am still jetlagged. My normal waking schedule definitely isn’t like that. Although I suppose it would be nice if I started sleeping like a normal human being and not like a vampire.

It’s been nice spending time with relatives here. My dad’s side of the family is larger, so I’m kind of unused to so many people being around. And they all speak Chinese, so it’s harder for me to communicate with them. But they say my Chinese has improved, so yay!

And I like spending time with my cousins. It’s interesting, I have one gege and two jiejie(s). It’s nice to be a somewhat younger one in the family no. I’m so used to being the eldest.

Wow, I never thought folding clothes would take SO LONG. From the last paragraph to now, I started trying on a sleeping dress that my grandparents got for me. It ended up taking about an hour to fold the clothes back into the proper shape, to the point that I started even sweating a little. Jeez! Really failing at life with the domestic activities haha.

Too tired to type. Going to watch more HIMYM.

On the High Speed Train

Well the time has finally come to make the part two of my family journey – to visit my family on my father’s side located in Jinan, Shandong. I’m taking one of those high speed trains which seems pretty cool. It’s quite modernesque. The trip normally took about four years via this other train that we used to take, but it’s supposedly only one hour and a half on this train. I wonder how fast it will be going. I wonder if it’ll be able to tell. I’m sitting in a window seat which is pretty nice, and next to me is a young girl and her older female relative. They seem pretty nice as well.

I really, REALLY hope that Jinan isn’t too hot. This morning I felt terrible – I think the humidity in addition to low blood sugar was driving me insane. Thank goodness… for ibuprofen<3

I’M READY FOR THIS TRAIN TO GO, GO, GO!

In Beijing, at Relatives’ House

Yesterday night, I arrived in Beijing at approximately 7:15 PM. First thought upon arriving (besides some excitement): it is HOT! Even the airplane ride was rather hot. And of course, I arrive to Beijing and the phone that I’m given beforehand and told that I must learn how to use, doesn’t work at all. But all’s well that ends well, and I walked out and saw my uncle and cousin waiting at the gate for me J

It was so nice to sit in a car and know that I don’t really have to worry so much about what’s happening next. My family in China seems to have that all arranged. Although I realize my desire for the whole family closeness thing is rather hard – my cousin and my uncle are very quiet. Actually, the whole family is quiet, minus my grandmother, who in her 80’s is a little loopy but quite talkative still. They all tend to do their own thing. But I guess that’s perhaps just a cultural thing? I tried to talk a little bit but I mean, don’t want to push it either.

Funny thing that I realized is that my cousin watches Big Bang Theory. I guess that’s unsurprising, given that that’s a rather nerdy show and well… Asians will do as they do.

Tomorrow I go off to Jinan to visit my father’s side of the family. The city of Jinan is not quite as developed as Beijing, or so I believe from my previous visits, but I like my relatives there. They have kids my age. I’m a little nervous to be going there myself but hopefully it’ll be okay. Although I’m staying at my grandparents’ apartment I believe… and… that apart is quite run-down. Aiyah.

This is the part of my visit to China that is not designed for tourists haha. It’s nice to see it multiple ways. I went shopping with my grandfather and well we bought the bulk of the food at this big, shiny new mall by the apartment complex, we also bought stuff at these very small and run-down market stores. I guess it just goes to show that while China is developing at rapid speeds, there’s still quite a lot of the oldesque stuff in the ways of living.

HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, IT IS SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!